One of those days

My mother and I had another one of our passive-aggressive fights.

Sigh.

The way my family acts sometimes makes me despair of growing older.

As young children, we are taught that with age comes maturity and wisdom. But sometimes, I doubt this. Is it possible that once we reach a certain age (Maybe twenty-something?) we've probably reached the treshhold of emotional maturity?

My mother still has a great number of insecurities. I had always thought that with time, one becomes more at peace with oneself. But my mother still bites my head off for saying phrases that make her feel inadequate.

She still bristles at the slightest suggestion that I might prefer or prioritize my relatives to her. I don't, not really, but she still unconsciously asks me to choose.

My relatives still bicker like little children, they still fight like little children who push and shove to get the best toys.

I have relatives who are still as emotionally needy as they were in their teens.

As a child, I thought with maturity one becomes more forgiving and patient. But my grandfather and father still aren't on speaking terms, and they haven't been for years.

As a child, I thought growing up meant being able to let the little things slide. But how could it be when so many little things are keeping my relatives apart?

I'm terrified of growing older, of looking at myself 20 years from now and realizing that I haven't emotionally grown, at all.

I'm terrified of having children, of having them look at me and realizing that I'm still the immature and insecure person I was at 22. I'm terrified of being mired in the kind of behavior so prevalent in my family, and of setting that kind of bad example to my children. I wouldn't want to raise a child in the same backbiting, petty environment I grew up in.