So I thought I'd try this blog thing again. Why, you ask? Maybe because in light of recent catastrophes, it might be good to get things off my chest. It might be healthy even.
What's odd is that I personally don't feel really bad about it. Sure, it sucks. I'm still oddly happy about my life. I haven't always been, so that in itself is a great achievement.
I have great friends. Despite the "busy" workload, I still manage to watch my TV shows. My other grades last semester turned out surprisingly good. My photography thang is going great and I feel like I've been improving by leaps and bounds. My relationship with my parents is better than ever. So, aside from the fact that I failed evidence and that my external hard drive broke down (and took all my photos along with it), I don't really see anything to be sad about.
And when do I feel sad, I just give myself a couple of hours to cry it out. Give myself a crying deadline and then stop when my time is up. Then I hug my beloved stuffed penguin Penguini fiercely and think, "No matter what happens, come tears or defeat, things can't be so bad because my Penguini still loves me." Hehehe, pathetic, I know but it helps me get through it.
I'm really proud of myself. A little over a year ago, an event such as this would have sent me into a decline. I would have been depressed for days, even weeks. I would have used it as an excuse to cut school so I could stay at home and sulk. But now, I'm dealing with it. I stop feeling sorry for myself because I realize there are other things that i need to do. I don't climb into myself and stay there for weeks on end.
Awww, I think I'm finally growing up. Finally. Despite the fixation with stuffed animals.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
After the first few pages of this Haruki Murakami book, I was hooked. I couldn't stop reading it. I was engrossed. Finished it rather quickly, but then, it's a rather short book.
This book is simple compared to his other books. No magic realism here. It's just a story of a man, a story his life and the choice that he must make. It's a simple book, yet beautiful in its simplicity.
I won't go into detail on the plot or themes of the story. I'll just say that:
It is a morality story, it's about letting go of past mistakes that we believe define us, moving on with your life and choosing to be happy.
A contemplation on obsession.
This is, in the final estimation, rather depressing because it's about letting go of the notion that life is a dream and instead facing reality.
I didn't find the protagonist very likable. He has a little too vain, and a bit of an asshole. But I empathize with him. He's an only child, like me, and I think a lot of his faults stem from this fact.
I found the writing very lyrical. The words used are very simple, but there's this dream-like aspect to it. As if every moment narrated in the book has such infinite beauty and meaning to it.
Anyway, it's a pretty good read. Not perfect, and probably not as good as his other books. But it's still a good read.
This book is simple compared to his other books. No magic realism here. It's just a story of a man, a story his life and the choice that he must make. It's a simple book, yet beautiful in its simplicity.
I won't go into detail on the plot or themes of the story. I'll just say that:
It is a morality story, it's about letting go of past mistakes that we believe define us, moving on with your life and choosing to be happy.
A contemplation on obsession.
This is, in the final estimation, rather depressing because it's about letting go of the notion that life is a dream and instead facing reality.
I didn't find the protagonist very likable. He has a little too vain, and a bit of an asshole. But I empathize with him. He's an only child, like me, and I think a lot of his faults stem from this fact.
I found the writing very lyrical. The words used are very simple, but there's this dream-like aspect to it. As if every moment narrated in the book has such infinite beauty and meaning to it.
Anyway, it's a pretty good read. Not perfect, and probably not as good as his other books. But it's still a good read.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Just A Thought
I often wish I could just quit law school, and be a wedding photographer instead. It might actually pay better.
My aunt abbie and I could make a wedding-service company. She can do the entourage's make-up, while I take the pictures.
My aunt abbie and I could make a wedding-service company. She can do the entourage's make-up, while I take the pictures.
One of those days
My mother and I had another one of our passive-aggressive fights.
Sigh.
The way my family acts sometimes makes me despair of growing older.
As young children, we are taught that with age comes maturity and wisdom. But sometimes, I doubt this. Is it possible that once we reach a certain age (Maybe twenty-something?) we've probably reached the treshhold of emotional maturity?
My mother still has a great number of insecurities. I had always thought that with time, one becomes more at peace with oneself. But my mother still bites my head off for saying phrases that make her feel inadequate.
She still bristles at the slightest suggestion that I might prefer or prioritize my relatives to her. I don't, not really, but she still unconsciously asks me to choose.
My relatives still bicker like little children, they still fight like little children who push and shove to get the best toys.
I have relatives who are still as emotionally needy as they were in their teens.
As a child, I thought with maturity one becomes more forgiving and patient. But my grandfather and father still aren't on speaking terms, and they haven't been for years.
As a child, I thought growing up meant being able to let the little things slide. But how could it be when so many little things are keeping my relatives apart?
I'm terrified of growing older, of looking at myself 20 years from now and realizing that I haven't emotionally grown, at all.
I'm terrified of having children, of having them look at me and realizing that I'm still the immature and insecure person I was at 22. I'm terrified of being mired in the kind of behavior so prevalent in my family, and of setting that kind of bad example to my children. I wouldn't want to raise a child in the same backbiting, petty environment I grew up in.
Sigh.
The way my family acts sometimes makes me despair of growing older.
As young children, we are taught that with age comes maturity and wisdom. But sometimes, I doubt this. Is it possible that once we reach a certain age (Maybe twenty-something?) we've probably reached the treshhold of emotional maturity?
My mother still has a great number of insecurities. I had always thought that with time, one becomes more at peace with oneself. But my mother still bites my head off for saying phrases that make her feel inadequate.
She still bristles at the slightest suggestion that I might prefer or prioritize my relatives to her. I don't, not really, but she still unconsciously asks me to choose.
My relatives still bicker like little children, they still fight like little children who push and shove to get the best toys.
I have relatives who are still as emotionally needy as they were in their teens.
As a child, I thought with maturity one becomes more forgiving and patient. But my grandfather and father still aren't on speaking terms, and they haven't been for years.
As a child, I thought growing up meant being able to let the little things slide. But how could it be when so many little things are keeping my relatives apart?
I'm terrified of growing older, of looking at myself 20 years from now and realizing that I haven't emotionally grown, at all.
I'm terrified of having children, of having them look at me and realizing that I'm still the immature and insecure person I was at 22. I'm terrified of being mired in the kind of behavior so prevalent in my family, and of setting that kind of bad example to my children. I wouldn't want to raise a child in the same backbiting, petty environment I grew up in.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I'm dead
I just found out that I might be having Ma'am Avena for evidence next semester.
Someone please kill me now.
Someone please kill me now.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The world did not stop turning
I (accidentally) erased all the songs in my iPod.
20gig worth of songs, suddenly just GONE.
Oddly enough, I don't feel so bad about it. Hmmmm.
I'm actually having a lot of fun selecting songs to fill my iPod with.
Any suggestions of songs and/or artists?
Vertigo
We were arguing again. Fighting seems to be the only thing we still do together.
Our lines are still tangled. I wonder if we ever understood each other at all, or if we ever talked without arguing. Now, we can't spend five minutes in each other's company without arguing about the most petty things.
It came to a point that we couldn't ride an escalator together without arguing.
You retorted to a comment I made. I just sighed and looked down. It was a long, long way down. The polished tile surface of the floor was so mesmerizing
I was gripped by the sudden urge to just JUMP. To jump away from all the excuses, all the anger, all the misunderstandings, all the drawn-out fighting.
I averted my gaze and looked at you. I looked at you intently, hoping that you would anchor me.
I laughed, shakily.
"Hold me, I feel like jumping."
You made an impatient gesture, ignored my silent plea.
No. I don't think we ever understood each other.
Our lines are still tangled. I wonder if we ever understood each other at all, or if we ever talked without arguing. Now, we can't spend five minutes in each other's company without arguing about the most petty things.
It came to a point that we couldn't ride an escalator together without arguing.
You retorted to a comment I made. I just sighed and looked down. It was a long, long way down. The polished tile surface of the floor was so mesmerizing
I was gripped by the sudden urge to just JUMP. To jump away from all the excuses, all the anger, all the misunderstandings, all the drawn-out fighting.
I averted my gaze and looked at you. I looked at you intently, hoping that you would anchor me.
I laughed, shakily.
"Hold me, I feel like jumping."
You made an impatient gesture, ignored my silent plea.
No. I don't think we ever understood each other.
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